There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Never stop learning, and always be ready to teach yourself things you don’t know. The only things you will remember are things you care about.

Who grins in official circumstances?

To achieve anything you must be prepared to dabble on the boundary of disaster.

The people must have amusement as well as religion...every pure enjoyment is from heaven.

Expect no trivial truth from me, unless I am on the witness- stand. I will come as near to lying as you can drive a coach and four.

I've always been very bonded to animals - more so than most people. (laughs) I don't think that they can defend themselves, so we have to help them.

Inflation does not lubricate trade but by rescuing traders from their errors of optimism or stupidity.

She [Kim Kardashian] was always my muse, now she's become other designers' muses.

I don't follow trends. I'm just not into what everyone else is wearing. I have my own look, which I call 'Lolita Meets Old Hollywood Glam.'

I love 'Breaking Bad.' I think that's my favorite show.