There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Excellence in obscurity is better than mediocrity in the spotlight.

Time passes faster and faster, but with every project I always want to find the next challenge and the next challenge is just as exciting as the previous one.

If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon.

It is heartbreaking to see so many animals in distress through the Gulf Coast region. Many of them are frightened, confused, hungry, dehydrated and lost.

If a writer knows enough about what he is writing about, he may omit things that he knows. The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one ninth of it being above water.

The world is being created every minute, and the world is falling to pieces every minute

For every time she shouted "Fire!" They only answered "Little liar!" And therefore when her aunt returned, Matilda, and the house, were burned.

As an inclusive quality, imagination is thus our primary force for progress, whatever progress is.

The whole Republican establishment has united to destroy his bid to be the nominee of the Republican Party.

In rugby there are those who play the piano - and those who shift them