There was plenty of dysfunction in my family and I went to Catholic School with these psychotic nuns. I would always try to be funny to lighten the mood.

I hate being mean. I watch those roasts on Comedy Central and they make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.

I think the obsession with wanting to change yourself is crazy over the top.

Be relentless and then you'll break through.

This whole generation of parents - I'm guilty of it too - does too much for their kids.

Going to Catholic school was what fueled me into comedy. The nuns were so brutal so I used to try to make my friends laugh.

I don't just want to be successful I want to have fun.

I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny.

I've known lots of people that are talented and nothing happens. It's not about talent, it's relentless drive.

I think comedians have a function in society, which is to make fun of our icons.

Euripedes. Nothing is hopeless

I don't want to tell your story because you're a insensitive, self-centered moron. I've told a lot of stories about young people, and I always feel there's hope.

You know, interesting minds usually do hold more than one idea at a time.

He who knows how to be poor knows everything.

Turns out, this 'whatabboutery' is a classic way of silencing women when you don't like what they're fighting for. Don't panic, feminists are quite capable of fighting multiple battles at once!

My misery is reaching epidemic proportions.

I have so much love inside me, Jason. So much. And I have never been allowed to shower it on anyone - no one wanted it. Let me stretch the wings of my heart with you.

Every TV timeout, I went up and said it right to Brady: 'Please keep trying me. I'm going to take it from you.'

Perhaps that's what all human relationships boiled down to: Would you save my life? or would you take it?

Women lie about their age; men lie about their income.