There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.

No demigod can heal your heart."Aphrodite to Reyna, at Charleston

The real you focuses on goals that inspire you and doesn’t let “that’s just not me!” stand in the way.

On this Mother's Day and every day before and after, I thank you God for the precious gift of my three children. I love them unconditionally .

I'd rather be appreciated for my character in a film than my looks.

The reason why so few people are agreeable in conversation is that each is thinking more about what he intends to say than others are saying.

[The historical] development in the international system may almost be defined as the process by which we pass from stable war to stable peace.

You'll catch your death of cold. Clouseau: Yes, yes I probably will but . . . its all part of life's rich pageantry, you kneau.

I teach myself archaeology, I teach myself Spanish, and that's because it can be fun, it can be useful. So I keep studying. I read books because I still want to study. I don't want to stop.

The consequences for human welfare involved in questions about human capital spillovers are simply staggering. Once one starts to think about them, it's hard to think of anything else