They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

It seems people are more willing to let other people control their minds now and recreational drug use doesn't seem to have that same renegade sense of adventure that it once did.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

Maybe depression is the most reasonable response to all the crap around us. Maybe it's the happy people who need medication.

That’s the big challenge of life—to chisel disappointment into wisdom so people respect you and you don’t annoy your friends with your whining.

Buying my wife a gun sort of like me saying, ' You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise'.

You can't avoid pain in life. It's how you handle pain, that's what defines you.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

Faith in the face of disappointment is only enhanced by laughter in the face of pain.

I didn’t like trusting, I didn’t like setting greater than mild expectations,

Human nature loses its most precious quality when it is robbed of its sense of things beyond, unexplored and yet insistent.

Your choices make you whoever you turn out to be.

Love has nothing to do with good reasons.

The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I'm a misogynist.

Wherever there is change, and wherever there is uncertainty, there is opportunity!

Gentlemen, let's go row!

Ready, fire, aim. Do it! Make it happen! Action counts. No one ever sat their way to success.

The path towards a free society has not been simple. There are tragic and glorious pages in our history.

But there's a thin line between songwriting and arranging.