They don't produce anything. All they do is guide you through the labyrinth of the legal system that they created - and they keep changing it just in case you start to catch on.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

I know what love is: Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall, Romeo and Juliet, Jackie and John and Marilyn.

I don't like people who speak French in public places. This includes the French.

Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like 'Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.

Never ask a woman why she's angry at you. She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she'll tell you. Both ways, you lose.

Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack. Our literature, culture, and the films of Woody Allen would be better today if Freud had never written a word.

Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic.

Men want to put their signature at the bottom; women don't want to finish that letter.

The word relationship best refers to the connection between parasite and host, or shark and remora. It's a biological term. I'd rather be a jerk than a scientist when it comes to love.

Favorite color: I hate colors.

Action is traction.

Innovation is about practical creativity - it's about making new ideas useful...

The best revenge is living well.

Pride in the case of a rich man is bad, but pride in the case of a poor man is worse.

There was hope in him, and soon perhaps the outline of his journey would take form.

This is as much a part of my story as anything else. Friendship is love as much as any romance.

What do we say to the Lord of Death?" "Not today.

Be true to yourself- and keep things simple. People complicate things

Your actions speak so much louder than words.

Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know.