They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

fall in lovewith your solitude

Thou driftest gently down the tides of sleep.

I think that instinct, that storytelling instinct, rescued me most of my life.

No city embraced privatization more eagerly than Chicago, where I live.

The NFL offensive blocking is played differently; they use their hands instead of their head and shoulders.

Reality Hunger is more than thought-provoking; it's one of the most beautiful books I've read in a long time.

If I'm a secure person, my online persona is going to be pretty similar to the person that I am. If I'm insecure, my online persona is probably very different from who I am in real life.

Live among others as if God beheld you; speak to God as if others were listening.

If you wish to converse with me, define your terms.