They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

If anyone controls your feelings, emotions, and thoughts—she or he controls you. Even if you are longing for love, think of yourself with love.

What is luck', he said, 'but the ability to exploit accidents?

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.

Analyze thy life's experiences, see thy shortcomings, see thy virtues. Minimize those faults, magnify and glorify thy virtues.

I worry sometimes that humans are afraid of helping humans. There's less risk associated with animals, less fear of failure, fear of getting to involved.

Even if it is made up of gold, the sailing boat can go nowhere without the humble wind!

On some planet, I probably could have been a lawyer. On some planet, I could have been somebody in advertising.

There is no higher claim to journalistic integrity than going to jail to protect a source.

I think to be successful you have to work really hard but you also have to have a little bit of luck.