They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I don't like to sugarcoat, it can cause an addiction to B.S.

In architecture the idea degenerated. Design allows a more direct and pleasurable route.

I've reprised roles in the theatre, which is somehow more accepted, and where one can automatically go deeper and further into the role.

... the art of politics is to be ahead of your time--about six months will do it. Any more than that, and people forget you were there.

Let your Christianity be so unmistakable, your eye so single, your heart so whole, your walk so straightforward, that all who see you may have no doubt whose you are, and whom you serve.

We know more about soils of Mars than about soils of Africa

I’ve seen all I need to. I’m going to go drink now in a futile effort to wipe away the memory of this debacle.

As soon as the boss decides he wants his workers to do something, he has two problems: making them do it and monitoring what they do.

Pakistan is an old ally of the United States.

I blend in the backgroud. when I arive for lunch my friends are surprised i'm not already there.