They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Human beings tend to be unable to estimate how biased they are.

If JESUS cannot control you, HE cannot save you. And if HE cannot control ALL of you HE cannot control any of you.

My sisters and I can still recite Dad's grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.

In general, the Internet was not designed to accommodate deliberate failures to communicate.

The worst thing for an effective war on terror is the suspicion of states about the objectives.

Wherever I went, crowds appeared again, and I started making solo albums for the first time in my career.

Writers have to have a knack for listening. I need to be able to hear what is being said to me by the voices I create.

The trouble with shooting people, Edie Banister now remembers, is that it's so hard to do just one.

There is a place where God, through the power of the Holy Ghost, reigns supreme in our lives.

I would just love to do 'It's a Wonderful Life.' I think that movie is fantastic.