They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You cannot save people from themselves. All you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion.

If you wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who was constantly bashing you with a barrage of belittling insults, why would you allow them to live in your head?

Forgiveness is the giving and so the receiving of life.

Evolution is the fundamental idea in all of life science - in all of biology.

Let us be guardians, not gardeners

I already love acting and I love actors, so being able to communicate with actors and to bring performances out of them, and to tell a story and aid them, is really exciting for me.

Sweet Spirit, grant us the faith to resist our resistance to Thee!

All our words ought to be filled with true sweetness and grace; and this will be so if we mingle the useful with the sweet.

She was a girl with a mountain to climb.

Blind fear, that seeing reason leads, finds safer footing than blind reason stumbling without fear: to fear the worst oft cures the worse.