They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.

Who controls the words controls your thoughts.

Attitude is better than aptitude.

It is important to understand that the system of advantage is perpetuated when we do not acknowledge its existence.

Everything in life should be done with reflection.

Happiness is not in money, but in shopping.

I lived a really wonderful life with this man and even after our divorce, it was incredible.

Ah, thou hast made my heart captive in the endless meshes of thy music, my master!

In law, what plea so tainted and corrupts, but being seasoned with a gracious voice obscures the show of evil.

Spirit is the most valuable asset, more than money and any other power.