They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government - especially the President - with a microscope. I don't argue with that, but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.

There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white.

Never forget, the press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Professors are the enemy. Write that on a blackboard 100 times and never forget it.

When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal.

Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.

People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook. I earned everything I've got.

We cannot learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another - until we speak quietly enough so that our words can be heard as well as our voices.

I don't think a woman should be in any government job whatever. I mean, I really don't. The reason why I do is mainly because they are erratic and emotional.

I know you heard what you thought I said, but what I said isn't what I meant.

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.

I gave 'em a sword. And they stuck it in, and they twisted it with relish. And I guess if I had been in their position, I'd have done the same thing.

So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.""If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.

With positive outlook life will always be beautiful.

The appreciation of your success will only come with your perseverance.

Show business is the best possible therapy for remorse.

I very much like doing voiceovers, and I also like doing readings. I do books on tape and stuff. I have fun with it.

Riches have never yet given anybody either peace or rest.

Agriculture is the new golf

For me, the goal wasn't to turn the stand-up special on its head, but to do what I do specifically, and hopefully that reads as something new.

At the end of the day if you want to entertain people, you've got to take your ego out of the equation.

The sublime is only a step removed from the ridiculous.