They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

As the Weaver, so is the Thread

Most of the time, if you treat people right, you don't have to be afraid of them.

The Cubist paintings in the Centre Pompidou in Paris were strange but amazing. The big fat magical cat said they made her eyes hurt.

Forget your mistakes but remember what they taught you.

In the medical profession a horse and carriage are more necessary than any scientific knowledge.

The gratitude ... should be commensurate with the boundless blessings which we enjoy.

There are few things, apparently, more helpful to a writer than having once been a weird little kid.

Luckily almost no one buys music anymore, so selling music doesn't really affect any of my professional decisions.

Something that I really enjoy doing is creating and being a part of very different characters and very different projects.

Spring hangs her infant blossoms on the trees, Rock'd in the cradle of the western breeze.