They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I used to have a theory about photographing. It was a sense of getting in between two actions, or in between acton and repose.

Little deeds of kindness little words of love Help to make earth happy like the heaven up above.

And what greater calamity can fall upon a nation than the loss of worship.

Love, you drive me to distraction.

Faith, hope, and love remain. But the greatest of these is love.

Well, if you've got a one-in-a-million girl don't let her get away; cause the next one-in-a-million girl is a million girls away.

We don't name God; God reveals His name to us. We don't have the right to exercise authority over God. God copyrights, He trademarks, He patents His name.

We should wash our dirty linen at home.

It is by overcoming obstacles that man develops those qualities he needs.

Eating wheat, like ice climbing, mountain boarding, and bungee jumping, is an extreme sport. It is the only common food that carries its own long-term mortality rate.