They say revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but for most people, by the time it's ready to eat, they just don't fancy it any more.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

Brilliant boom of Spring is nothing if not for the timely death of Autumn~

My mum still wonders when I'll get a real job. These are the questions we discuss at our family dinners.

Don't live beyond your means. Don't buy more than you can pay for. Don't expect to get rich quick. And don't confuse salesmen for friends or advisers.

Science and art have in common intense seeing, the wide-eyed observing that generates empirical information.

It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves.

I've got a bit of an independent streak. I'm not afraid of bipartisan compromise on issues that are important to the nation.

The ugliness of bigotry stands in direct contradiction to the very meaning of America.

You loved me as hard as you knew how. I'd give anything to go back and love you better.

Those who are pure of heart find new thoughts whenever they meditate.

The tools I handle are words. They may be unappreciated or misunderstood, but they tell us who we are.