They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

she is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

Some people choose to be wrong just to prove they were always right...

If I like you, I'll confront you and be open about it. Then I expect you to come after me.

Not really. I'm not a fan of Chinese food

The rules have changed so dramatically.They are not the Jeb Bush rules of the 90s, they are the reality television rules of this decade and he was not suited for it.

I take a whole life story and compress it into three minutes.

Blessed be the man whose work drives him. Something must drive men; and if it is wholesome industry, they have no time for a thousand torments and temptations.

Universities hire professors the way some men choose wives - they want the ones the others will admire.

After we graduate tonight, we no longer have to let society happen to us. We get to create our own.

O youth! thou often tearest thy wings against the thorns of voluptuousness.