They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

An artist's job is to make new clichés.

Take care of your people" is one of the principle lessons of military leadership. If we take care of our people on deployment, why should that change when we come home?

I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me.I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Because it's all about the journey...

A society that is not willing to demand a life of somebody who has taken somebody else’s life is simply immoral.

I'm an Indian-origin painter. I will remain so to my last breath.

There's a civic nationalism in Britain and dozens of other countries.

We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.

Some members of Congress are among the best actors in the world.

I purposely try to hire people who are really self-motivated and good at what they do, and then I just leave them alone.