They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life.

Englishmen did not speak to strangers on trains ...

Don’t let negativity ruin your day.Don’t let inefficiency ruin your week.Don’t let adversity ruin your month.Don’t let animosity ruin your year.

Enthusiasm is the divine particle in our composition: with it we are great generous and true without it we are little false and mean.

Mainly because as women's education increases all around the planet, we find that family size tends to drop.

Working with Jim Carrey is an absolute gas. I have never laughed so hard for so long. Had he been on-board for the sequel of Dumb & Dumber, I would've jumped on, with no hesitation.

Civilized people - Muslims, Christians and Jews - all understand that the source of freedom and human dignity is the Creator.

There are few instincts more natural than the body in full motion as it races across a field or through the trees.

Neither physical science nor psychology can ever 'explain' human consciousness. To me then, human consciousness lies outside science, and it is here that I seek the relationship between God and man.

The nature of democracy is such that when there's - there'll be revulsion, obviously, towards - that's never going to happen again.