Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.

Jesus has prayed over us that our faith in Him will not fail but rather be strengthened by the process we go through.

From the necks up... well, whoever said two heads are better than one never met a hydra.

If net neutrality goes away, it will fundamentally change everything about the Internet.

It is no worse, because I write of it. It would be no better, if I stopped my most unwilling hand. Nothing can undo it; nothing can make it otherwise than as it was.

Paul Desmond sounds like a female alcoholic.

That's, of course, the beautiful thing about science - that it's all about things we don't understand, not just the things we do understand.

If you leave the pool you have dug for yourself and go out into the river of life then life has an astonishing way of taking care of you, because then there is no taking care on your part.

The huge advantage of Canada is its backwardness.

We are at fault for not slaying the Jews.

You'll regret this, and you may regret this a lot sooner than you think.