Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There are days I long to disappear in the wild, go back to the predator life I was meant to have. Kill the prey or be killed: it’s in my genes.A chimera, that's what I am. And this is my story.

Life is too short, you know? You have to make the best of it. Do things most teenagers wouldn’t do.

He who makes great demands upon himself is naturally inclined to make great demands on others.

Purpose is a desire for something in our own power, coupled with an investigation into its means.

Always be a beginner at something.

A new year was a chance to start over. Maybe even, just maybe, there would be a peace on earth for one entire day.

Oh, seek, my love, your newer way; I'll not be left in sorrow. So long as I have yesterday, Go take your damned tomorrow!

It is bitter to think of one's best years disappearing in this unpolished country.

As all of us with any involvement in sports knows, no two umpires or no two referees have the same strike zone or call the same kind of a basketball game

The lessons one learns at school are not always the ones the school thinks it's teaching.