This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Every year its a blessing year, because it brings another years in advance

The law of getting results says

The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it.

People are not evil; they are schlemiels.

You don't have to be the same as anybody else, but you can support - just concerning human rights in general.

Who has gone hungry learns to think of the future and of the children.

Bible Code is a subject that is very controversial - most people in the world would not even know what we are talking about.

So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.

The more you have to do, the more you have only NOW to get it done. That's why busy people get the most done.

The sincerity of feeling that is possible between a writer and a reader is one of the finest things I know.