This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Desires and Karma are the worst enemies living in the same soul together. It depends on us whom we choose and feed.

The more we serve, the more strength, we receive to keep the good deeds.

A man with nothing to lend should refrain from borrowing.

Was... That a "you've been a clever boy" kiss? Or... Uh...

Don't tell me what to do - you have eight numbers after your name just like me.

Repentance is but want of power to sin.

She did it the hard way.

One fine day a predatory world shall consume itself.

I never like to do parodies. I never do. It's just not my style of comedy.

It's my job to be the Pierrot, the clown, in the theatrical sense.