This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

One social evil for which the New Testament is clearly in part responsible is anti-Semitism.

Thousands of years ago only Christ could walk on the water. Today anybody can do it; you just step on the garbage.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.

Ideas have consequences, and totally erroneous ideas are likely to have destructive consequences.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

It is not the soul that speaks its mind, but the mind that speaks its soul, that will be heard.

A true leader is one who accepts defeat in the same way he accepts winning.

The point of therapy is get unhooked not to thrash around on how you got hooked.

Stand up and take your dissonance like a man.

My work has made me tolerant of memory mistakes by family and friends. You don't have to call them lies. I think we could be generous and say maybe this is a false memory.

Arguments are often like melodramas - they have a predictable beginning, middle, and end.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove Dance me to the end of love

By using patches of color and tone it is possible to capture every natural impression in the simplest way, freshly and immediately.

Faithful horoscope-watching, practiced daily, provides just the sort of small but warm and infinitely reassuring fillip that gets matters off to a spirited start.

The plea of necessity, that eternal argument of all conspirators.