This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Lending war equipment is a good deal like lending chewing gum. You don't want it back.

We're living in a teetering tower of babble. A shaky reality of words. A DNA soup for disaster. The natural world destroyed, we're left with this cluttered world of language.

We are nothing but a link between our culture and what we can actually produce.

I think it’s intoxicating when somebody is so unapologetically who they are.

Everyone wants to be a movie star or a model, to be in the papers, but few realise just what hard work it is, getting up early, and so on.

Rich people, God bless us. We deserve all the opportunities to make sure our country and our blessings continue to the next generation.

I want to die in my own way. It's my illness, my death, my choice. This is what saying yes means.

To execute a vision, good or bad, you've got to tune out the noise.

Don't shed any tears for me. I got to live a dream most people don't get to live.

Is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses