This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

They blinked in the dusk of the setting sun, a reminder that light was a recurring state.

I'm somebody who believes in funny things, and laughing, but I do like for them to come from a place that addresses the human condition.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

Next to the virtue, the fun in this world is what we can least spare.

Cycling is based so much on form, on aesthetics, on class - the way you carry yourself on the bike, the sort of technique you have.

It was not by making yourself heard but by staying sane that you carried on the human heritage.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

You can't prove that something doesn't exist. You can only prove that something does exist.

Behind every good woman lies a trail of men.

Let me confess that we two must be twain, although our undivided loves are one.