This man dresses like an unmade bed.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I know you don't believe what you teach. But I believe all what you teach. Either I am the fool or you are.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Good leadership consists of showing average people how to do the work of superior people.

I just want to say that the only thing less popular than putting money into banks is putting money into the auto industry.

I try to get control of the tempo, control of the flow, and get my teammates the ball in the best position to score.

Give a man love, and he will be happy for a time. Teach a man how to love, and he will have joy through all eternity.

The body image took a real battering. I had really not taken on board how I would feel dressed in a flimsy dress in front of millions of people.

I don't know if anybody can second-guess what they will do on Capitol Hill.

Business, like life, is funny. We all go through difficult times, and we all have to face curve balls and challenges, each and every week. And we need to laugh when things are funny.