This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You can’t really think hard about what you’re doing and listen to the radio at the same time. Maybe they didn’t see their job as having anything to do with hard thought, just wrench twiddling.

Family. Couldn't live with them, couldn't run a stake through them.

So, my happiness doesn't come from money or fame. My happiness comes from seeing life without struggle.

He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful. Selflove seems so often unrequited.

I don't have anything to say in any picture. But you do, from your experience, surmise something. You do give a photograph symbolic content, narrative content... But it's nothing to worry about!

Every prosperous person who does not work has a creative scheme that does.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

How to make money from Facebook and Twitter: (1) Go to 'Account Settings' (2) Click 'Deactivate your account' (3) Go back to work!

The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt.

Friendship flourishes at the fountain of forgiveness.