This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Because you have to just go with the flow. Your life is not your own, with people coming in and out all the time. You get mellow because you have to.

A writer is one who communicates ideas and emotions people want to communicate but aren't quite sure how, or even if, they should communicate them.

If you want to work on your acting, work on yourself.

Our growth depends not on how many experiences we devour, but on how many we digest.

You will observe with concern how long a useful truth may be known, and exist, before it is generally received and practiced on.

As Estelle Jussim wrote, it is almost impossible for a single photograph to state both the problem and the solution.

Even the U.S. government agrees that some Saudi figures have been supporting ISIL, or ISIS.

I think it's impossible to know the destiny of things.

I enjoy heroines who grow and come into their own during the course of a story.

The Palestinians must be made to understand in the deepest recesses of their consciousness that they are a defeated people.