This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

People who read always have something interesting to say.

Fighting is life... Are you a person who gives up or are you a person who's going to fight?

It is the certainty that you are about to recover, that brings results, not the hope.

I'm a pessimist, so I find everything limiting.

If we let Korea down, the Soviet[s] will keep right on going and swallow up one [place] after another.

The ends justify the means mindset has been the impetus behind many a cruel medical or social experiment.

Even a poor plan is better than no plan at all.

Amateurs... venture into scenes that a writer with more experience (and more professional concern) would bypass or eschew altogether.

Individuality' is the key to success.

One of the things I do in my cookbooks is I will do a conversion from outdoor to indoor grilling so you can do it year-round.