This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Whoever fear God, shun sin.

Loneliness is that feeling to understand your own Self

When I told my parents, 'I'm going to be an actor,' they screamed and wept and freaked out.

Intelligent women always marry fools

I don't care who you are, everyone has been through it - that feeling where you'd like to be someone else.

All the riches of the world are not of sufficient value to redeem one perishing soul.

I couldn't throw a knuckleball if my life depended on it.

The character of the faith that allows us to be transformed by suffering and darkness is not doubt-free certainty; rather, it is tenacious obedience.

When I was a baby, my mother tells me I never slept because I never wanted to miss anything.

Why do economists fall in love with authoritarian governments?