This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Disaster is a natural part of my evolution toward tragedy and dissolution.

Ignorance and fear are but matters of the mind - and the mind is adaptable.

Founded on faith in God, the United States has been blessed as no other nation.

If the history of science shows us anything, it is that we get nowhere by labeling our ignorance “God”.

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

The truth of the matter is President Trump brought together the Republican Party and the conservative movement.

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.

No emotion or insight is too small to inflict on the world. Let it all fly. Don't let it eat you from the inside.

All I ever wanted to do was be on Broadway. I mean, remember, I grew up in a trailer.

Sometimes when you're making songs you just make sounds, and the sounds slowly mutate and evolve into actual words that have meaning.