This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

We must leave this terrifying place to-morrow and go searching for sunshine.

I know that feeling when your heart repels your body, not new for me.

There is something about laughter that can take away all the darkness.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.

I knew I wanted to be a performer really early on, like around 8 years old. I did tons of acting and loved being in front of people.

He who understands you is greater kin to you than your own brother. For even your own kindred neither understand you nor know your true worth.

Fragility is the quality of things that are vulnerable to volatility.

One thing we do know is that mass literacy is a product of the 19th century, at least in English-speaking cultures - Ireland, England, Scotland, Canada, and the U. S.

Regulation has never really worked unless it's hate speech libel etc.