This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

We need to learn to be deliverers and not just talk about it

If ever Confederation fails it will not be because Quebec - the political voice of French Canada - has separated from it. It will be because the way to keep Quebec in it has not been found.

To get up in the morning & do the monumental tasks that face us, our labor is best fueled by love.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

I’m in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection. But with Montana it is love. And it’s difficult to analyze love when you’re in it.

It's really fun working on this Marvel movie [ Spiderman]. The essentials of Aunt May are that she's helped raise Spiderman and she's his moral compass.

I feel that luck is a product of hard work.

Our thinking minds deprive us of the happiness that comes when we are living fully in the moment.

Just bring love. Everybody keeps bringing violence, let's bring love.

I don't thrive in a word-perfect environment.