This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

I think it's always dangerous to make political arguments in a religiously ideological way. And it's very dangerous to treat as traitors to the American nation those who think differently.

I'm not on a health kick. I know I should take vitamins, for example, but I forget half the time. I just can't be bothered carrying around a lot of little bottles.

It is no longer a question of controlling a military-industrial complex, but rather, of keeping the United States from becoming a totally military culture.

Look at the way teams play against Arsenal. They don't believe they can win. They don't believe.

A train of thought is never false. The falsehood lies deep in the necessities of existence.

Reality is a narrow little house which becomes a prison to those who can't get out of it.

The indicator of true knowledge is the ability to differentiate what uplifts us from what pulls us down.

Is there any person in the world who does not dream? Who does not contain within them worlds unimagined?

To those of you who would classify yourselves as conservatives I would say, meditate long and hard on Jesus' saying "Whatever you do to the least of these you have done to me".

The new novel is sought more eagerly, and devoured more greedily, the New Testament.