This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

People talk about me as masculine. Because of the way I walk and talk and crank out pull-ups and smell like bacon.

Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.

There have been a couple of jobs I've done without thinking, without being engaged, and they just stink.

Let's just say that global warming deniers are now on a par with Holocaust deniers.

Idleness is hells fishhook for catching souls.

This is a proud moment for our city. This is the first time we have won a Finals game in this city, and I'm happy to be part of the history.

A cheerful, easy, open countenance will make fools think you a good-natured man, and make designing men think you an undesigning one.

Like most struggling writers trying to get their scripts commissioned, I had to do something odd to pay the rent. So, aged 21, I started up my own small cheesecake company in Philadelphia.

The world's not going to wait for you. If you have an idea, put some effort behind it and get it out there.

We play make believe, pretend to take ourselves and each other seriously--to love each other, hate each other--but then--it isn't true. It isn't true, we don't care at all!