Those who the gods seek to destroy first, learn how to play golf.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

To hell with you. To hell with you and to hell with the Internet.

Maxim 20: If you’re not willing to shell your own position, you’re not willing to win.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Our record number of teenagers must become our record number of high school and college graduates and our record number of teachers, scientists, doctors, lawyers, and skilled professionals.

We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

The United States is not looking for a way to launch war.

Did you think that rats do not have hearts? Wrong. All living things have a heart. And the heart of any living thing can be broken.

I'm happier than I've ever been in life. Happy with my life outside of racing. Really happy with my life inside the garage.

I'm done with those; regrets are an excuse for people who have failed.

I don't want to turn any of this into poetry / but / you're so beautiful / flowers turn their heads to smell you

People always ask me, how do you do everything you do?