Though part of me had always wanted to be a comedian, another part of me had always wanted to be Bryant Gumbel or Dan Rather.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

...the Pope vigorously upholds the real power of redemption to liberate the human heart from the domination of lust, calling men and women to a new "ethos.

If a pen can communicate our thoughts, dreams, and emotions and be the voice of our soul, then ink is the medium that carries the message.

Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.

The only battle to win is the battle within, that place where we realize that we deserve to have and create all that we want in our lives.

The happiest man is he, who being above the troubles which money brings, has his hands the fullest of work.

Nature, when left to universal laws, tends to produce regularity out of chaos.

How thick can you get?

Do you know what is more hard to bear than the reverses of fortune? It is the baseness, the hideous ingratitude, of man.

Hungry Hungry Hippos is so depressing. You continuously chomp away at those balls and you are alone and it's your birthday.'

When I was about 10 I ran away to see my father. He couldn't have cared less. He just took me back as soon as he could.