Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The approval of a cat cannot but flatter the recipient.

Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.

All our discontents about what we want appeared to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have.

A cloud is made of billows upon billows upon billows that look like clouds. As you come closer to a cloud you don't get something smooth, but irregularities at a smaller scale.

No matter what size you are, you must be healthy. I focus on health as a model, whether it's doing yoga, hiking, kickboxing - those things bring me joy.

I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even common jokes as part of what I'm doing. I don't give a damn if half the audience walks out.

Without a sense of proportion there can be neither good taste nor genuine intelligence, nor perhaps moral integrity.

I think the cynicism that you have when you've just gone through a break-up is a luxury that you allow yourself for a while.

The newspaperman has become a walking plague. He spreads the contagion of lies and calumnies.

A man is most accurately judged by how he treats those who are not in a position either to retaliate or to reciprocate.