Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

One cannot know everything.

I don't think it's possible to touch people's imagination today by aesthetic means.

If others hurl their darts against you, offer them milk and honey in return; if they poison your lives, sweeten their souls.

It’s just very homey in Ireland. It’s very comforting and comfortable. There’s lots of fireplaces with fires. It’s just really cozy.

Keep the soil healthy and the bad seed won't grow.

The world is a bad place. There are many wonderful people, but on the whole, humanity basically stinks.

The intense happiness of our union is derived in a high degree from the perfect freedom with which we each follow and declare our own impressions.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

Honest error is to be pitied not ridiculed.

I'll never forget the fall colors on the Berkshires.