Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It's when you tame your nightmares, that your dreams will willingly enter the corral.

Enjoy what you are learning and doing. This is one of the hardest concepts in the entire world to understand. Harder yet to put into practice.

All our geese are swans.

We can see the child moving rather serenely in the uterus. The child senses aggression in its sanctuary. We see the child's mouth wide open in a silent scream.

I'm a busy guy but I set aside quiet time every morning and every evening to keep my equilibrium centered on my own path. I don't like being swayed by anything that might be negative or damaging.

Every language is a world. Without translation, we would inhabit parishes bordering on silence.

If you ask the government to impose morality, then moral questions will be decided by whoever has the most political power.

People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."

Love dies because its birth was an error.