Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

I don't take no dive for nobody. Whaddya think I am, a tanker!

She bit my bodyguard. She bit him in the stomach.

The most dangerous thing about power is to employ it where it is not applicable.

An interim report - that is what an autobiography is.

My mother was a cleaning lady all her life.

I don't ever expect to be permanently happy. I don't think that's part of the human condition.

I'm finished with destroying for a while. It's not like I'm running around saying, 'What else can I destroy?'

All my life there's always been an ex-wife or a girlfriend.

Love is the oxygen of the soul

[S]ince brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.