Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Religion allows people to feel justified in acting out their primal instincts, that is, to assault, destroy, rape, and murder others, who they judge as being different and inferior to themselves.

Ideal humane leadership begins with a real demonstration of love, continues relating with acceptance of fellow humankind and consciously follows that through with every opportunity.

I think being a parent is knowing how to love. Sometimes love is discipline, sometimes it's humor, sometimes it's listening.

Without a goal, you can’t score.

The magic behind every outstanding performance is always found in the smallest of details.

All you've got to do is keep your ears open.

I enjoyed my life when I had nothing... and kinda like the idea of just being happy with me.

At the (record company) meeting Paul just kept mithering on about what we were going to do, so in the end I just said, 'I think you're daft. I want a divorce.'

Never talking to strangers. Saying nasty things about the neighbors.

We have to take care of the moment and then move on to the next. We can't worry about what's to come.