To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others.

Pfft, I hate Christmas Day. It's for children and families. Not for people like me.

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

There is prodigious strength in sorrow and despair.

When something original works, then everyone wants to copy it. But if you're trying to do something that no one's ever seen before it's frightening.

Pose? I don't pose. What am I? Paris Hilton or something?

You're so square, baby, I don't care.

Oh, seriously--how could you be miserable with twenty thingamabobs AND a snarfblat?!

If evolution is true, you could not know that it’s true because your brain is nothing but chemicals. Think about that.

Stand up and pledge with me: A government of the United States is not on the auction block. And America is not for sale!