To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.

There will never be another woman for me, Alexandra. You are my eternity. -Michael

I seeIn many an eye that measures meThe mortal sickness of a mindToo unhappy to be kind.Undone with misery, all they canIs to hate their fello

I would like to visit with people who are so interesting and so... and there are so many wonderful people out there that I would love to have the chance to talk to for a longer time.

I was this kid who never sat down. Nobody liked me? Well, I'd make sure they'd like me. I was the class clown, always doing crazy stuff and causing riots.

A man who has work that suits him and a wife, whom he loves, has squared his accounts with life.

Yes, I wish I'd done it sooner.

If someone says something good or bad, or whatever they have to say about your song, you've just got to embrace it.

I just laid around in my bed, looking at the ceiling, and i smiled because it was a nice kind of quiet.

The sun, the hero of every day, the impersonal old man that beams as brightly on death as on birth, came up every morning.