To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There is good to be found within anything bad. Even within the death of your own father.

Your imagination is the most powerful tool to create a great life.

Only in stillness does the imperceivable become discernible

life is not about distance, it’s about direction

It is the earnest hope of our people that the world may see the day when all nuclear weapons are abolished.

Berlusconi is a genius in communication. Otherwise, he would never have become so rich.

So much of religion is exegesis. I would rather follow in the footprints of Christ than all of the dogma.

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft.

The '60s was the end of the America that the rest of the world liked.

Every man is a prisoner, and the greatest irony of all is to be the prisoner of another man.