To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You will not live the life of royalty, if you don't understand the meaning of loyalty.

...and who must have had something real about her, or she could not have existed, but it certainly was not her hair, or her teeth, or her figure, or her complexion.

I give praise and honor to the Holy one of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob for the blessing of motherhood.

Don't hide from love Walker, be open to it and it will find you." -Sadie

Then God spoke to me and said: People say only good things about Christmas. If they want to say something bad, they whisper.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Life is hopefully long, so I don't know what the future will bring.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

Haven't you guessed by now? I say, my heart hammering. My home is you.

Be patient where you sit in the dark. The dawn is coming