To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

It's funny because it's funny.

The world changes fast, and a lot of the old country folks have a hard time keeping up with it, and it makes them sad.

Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

Would I drown saving him?

I'm such a hater, and will hate on anything.

Everyone prepares for battle in his own way.

I think that unless you grew up in New York or Chicago or Los Angeles, you're sheltered.

I'd rather frame [Clintons] in terms of what I think we need to do going forward.

Maybe I exclude myself from that genre by not getting dressed up often enough, by acting ghetto most of the time, and running around in sweats and Timberlands.

I try not to worry about things that I can't control.