To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Sal turned, an eye stalk hanging from his teeth.

Having a second chance makes you want to work even harder.

I am not qualified to talk about the diet. Simply because I am not a dietician.

Politics is the art of controlling your environment.

Conventional wisdom is not always the best wisdom.

Just because you may not see this big, grand show or you may not fall down a tree and all of a sudden get miraculously healed, that doesn't mean the miraculous isn't all around you.

Having had loving people who brought me up, and then I find another set of people. That really is a double blessing.

Most so called FAILURES are only temporary defeats

The love of posterity is the consequence of the necessity of death. If a man were sure of living forever here, he would not care about his offspring.

I get excited when fantasy football season's coming. This guy gets excited when war season's coming.