To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Be a girl with a mind, beauty and talents!

There is no shame in feeling bad about having to kill. The shame comes when you no longer care.

He’s worth fighting for, but I won’t change who I am for any man. No more than he should alter himself to suit me.

After 35, I felt like I'd been in these relationships; some were great, some weren't so great, but they weren't right partnerships.

Unlike Washington, which is stuck in ideological gridlock, Americans feel the impact of climate change in their own hometowns and they know something must be done.

I have crushed the cup of youth like a rose between my fingers but its nectar never warmed my weary heart.

I snack on fruit and nuts. In the middle of my long workouts, I'll have a protein shake.

It's funny how you can go from hating a girl to maybe liking her, maybe liking her a lot, just because she shows a little interest in you.

I was in a commercial for the Disney channel. I was the camp leader for the campers.

When one is deprived of ones liberty, one is right in blaming not so much the man who puts the shackles on as the one who had the power to prevent him, but did not use it.